Well Karly broke up with me 6 days ago, told me she just couldn't do it anymore.. It really hurt because she promised she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.. and we were so happy and getting stronger and stronger.. then she just left me in a back ally way..

since then though, we have still spent our time together, just as friends. but we still do everything as if we were still engaged, like, kissing, cuddling, making love, speaking to each other as if we had never broken up.. but yet, she wont take me back!!
WTF?! ...... she did tell me the other day that she does and will take me back, she just doesn't know when..

So I'm stuck waiting and trying to figure out how the hell to move from tara, two hours away to toowoomba and find a place to live because Karly is going to uni there next year and has already got a place to live which she kept from me all along..

So me and karly kept getting closer which helped my depression and pain, just knowing d=she was there to still care and hold and love me was enough to get me through..
but i couldn't help wondering if nothing had changed in the way we acted with each other then why doesn't she want me back?? It doesn't make sense and every time i ask her all she says is "i don't know" which kills me! ... but I still accepted it anyway cos we didn't act any different and we were happy. I was just going to wait until she asked me back..

I also thought if she doesn't want me back then why should I let her still get the privileges of being with me if she didn't want me,,, it doesn't seem fair. but another part of me needs those privileges to make it through each day and feel loved, so I couldn't say, "we have to be just normal friends" cos I wouldn't be able to cope with it..

then, yesterday, I saw some girl on the internet for modeling and said that she was pretty and attractive, and karly just went all weird and took it the wrong way and wouldn't talk to me,, it was like she hated me! we sat on my bed and I waited an hour for her to say something or come up to me for a cuddle, i felt so shit.. but no,, instead she turns around and says she just better go.. I tried to hug her and ask her to stay and talk but she just rejected me like i was nothing.. she got up and left..

I went mad, started hitting stuff, i went down to the pub and got a goon bag, came home and read a txt form her that said " James, i love you but i dont think we should be so close of friends. it's making things complicated, like i thought it would... and i really think we need time apart to sort out our own things out. we do have alot on our minds... im sorry... please dont hate me..."

I read that and broke down, started drinking a lot, smashed bottles in my room, picked up my knife and started attacking my arm with it, it felt so good once again.. like i needed it.. she hardly gave a shit after sending me that txt, i didnt reply but she didnt seem to really care, i havent heard from her all day and i really doubt she will come see me after work.. she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore but that was the only thing keeping me going!! :"(

without that I'm just going to fall apart and i already have started,, and she isn't going to care.. I don't think I can hold on much longer anymore.. I'm wearing down and falling apart.. I'm starting to lose myself and I fear my love for Karly is going to go with it..

I cant stand not seeing her but I know she doesn't care and won't come see me.. so I'll just continue to sit alone.. break down... until.. I Become... Nothing..